Operation Stop Leak

I have had this little problem with my car for the past 3 years… the windshield washer fluid reservoir leaks. Just a slow small leak right where the pump motor connects to the tank.

It’s never been that much of a big deal to me. I hardly ever used that function on any other car I have owned, and I make it a habit to clean my windshield while at the gas station filling up. The only real pain has been the little orange light on the dashboard that is constantly illuminated. True to Mercedes Benz form, there is an indicator for everything on the car. This one of course means I am low on windshield washer fluid.

For some reason recently, I have gotten it into my head that the little light is my enemy. It really began to bug me a few weeks ago as I drove to work.. Keep in mind that it’s been like this for years. What caused the sudden change in attitude about a simple little indicator? No telling, it could easily be the close proximity of Mars to Earth this month (Mars is my birth sign of course).

I found out while I had the car in the shop last week that it would cost around $150 to replace the tank and fix the leak. Nope, I thought, I can do this myself. It’s just a plastic tank right?

Sunday, armed with multi-purpose adhesive and rags, I went to work. The tank itself comes off with one simple plastic fly-nut and a clip. Ok, that part was easy. The pump itself sits in a small groove at the bottom of the tank and is kept in place by gravity. Ok, easy to overcome that. Soon I had the entire assembly removed and on my work bench… which for this job consisted of the garage floor directly in front of the car.

It was immediately apparent that the grommet between the tank and the pump was shot. It was cracked, torn, discolored, and smelled a little I think. For some reason, we men have this attitude that all items can and should be repaired on our cars; which corresponds directly to the difficulty in getting said item replaced.

I proceeded to apply adhesive to the offending grommet and tank. It took little to no time for me to have three fingers stuck to the tank and the grommet somehow glued to the right side of my neck. “That’s ok, I’m better than the grommet.” I thought to myself.

It must have been a bad day for me, because it turns out that the little 1 inch wide, 1 inch tall grommet was indeed better than I.

It took me 15 minutes to find it once it rolled under the car.
20 minutes once it dropped through the tank and into the engine compartment.
5 minutes once it fell in the trash can.
10 more after I accidentally kicked it under the refrigerator.

Finally though… SUCCESS! I had the grommet in place, the adhesive was tacky and setting, and the pump was once again engaged by gravity within its slot.

10 minutes and 1 very large puddle under my car later it was apparent the grommet, or rather the adhesive, had not held.

Most sane people would understand that the grommet was indeed faulty at this point. Nope, not this steely-eyed-man-on-a-mission. It was the wrong adhesive! Of course!

One trip to the local auto-parts store later, I stood before the car, grommet in hand, and some Super-Duper-Hang-An-Elephant-Upside-Down adhesive performing the time honored ritual that all weekend wannabe mechanics do. Which is to say I bit my upper lip, scratched my balls, and tried to intimidate the car with the evil-eye.

With the new adhesive it took closer to 20 minutes for the puddle to fully form under the car… YES PROGRESS!

I spit on the floor, shuffled dirt around with my foot, wiped the sweat from my brow, and watched the mercury rise in the thermometer… luckily, some sense finally kicked in

SO…

I shut it down for the night. “Let the little grommet think it had won.” I said to myself… I had a sure-fire resource up my sleeve still!!!!

Invoice: from Auto Warehouse Online

Ok, so once I got out of the damnable heat I caved and ordered the grommet. It arrived today.

But my tale of battle and hardship does not cease! No, for overnight, the offending little grommet somehow convinced the perfectly sweat and innocent reservoir tank to join in the fight!

“Ok grommet, you’re done. There is a new grommet in my life now, and this one is fresh and young, and has the stamina to keep up with my hard driving lifestyle.” Oddly enough, the old grommet answered me never once during our entire war.

I can happily report that the new grommet fit perfectly and completely stopped the leak that once plagued my car.

Now, I only needed to find a good way to fix a rubber plug on the other side of the tank that I damaged while putting in the new grommet. *SIGH* It was a huge plug by the way…

I found out it was knocked out because the puddle only took 3 minutes this time.

Have I mentioned that the floor under my car is really clean now?

For those of you paying attention, you will recall that I mentioned the tank itself is made of plastic. Well, when you have a plastic tank that has a hole in it, what is one surefire way to seal that hole? Right! FIRE!!!!!

Oh, I should mention at this point that the hole is almost an inch in diameter… that should pull together and close up with a little applied heat right?

The matches hardly dried the water off the tank, the cigarette lighter only heated it up and burned my finger, but after some recon in the garage, I found the perfect thing! A plumber’s torch! Oh yeah baby, don’t give a Once-steely-eyed-man-on-a-mission but now a man-beyond-reasonable-thought a blow torch under any circumstances.

I fired up the torch.

Now, when I say I fired it up, I don’t mean that I opened the nozzle a little and struck a spark in front of it. Nope, not this man. I let the fuel flow unhindered from a fully opened nozzle and flicked the cigarette lighter on right by the business end of said nozzle.

Authors Note: Please believe the warnings plastered all over plumber’s torch bottles. “Aim away from face” if heeded will save you some pain in the end.

*POOF* *Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* went the torch. I can only describe the sound due to the fact that the only thing I could see was the image of a bright blue flame burned into my cornea as all 3 feet of the damn thing ignited not but 6 inches from my face. It took a good minute for my sight to completely clear. By the way, it’s advisable to move the flame away from you while you wait for the use of your eyes so you can avoid the smell of singed hair that filled my garage. My pain your gain.

Now one thing I did do correctly regarding the torching of the tank, I did setup the work area properly by drying the area where the plug needed to go and having the damaged plug in place ready for melting. Yes, I know, it’s pathetic when the positive side of your skill set is drying and plugging… but a man has got to shine where he can right?

Have you ever noticed that plastic tanks heat up and melt MUCH faster than rubber plugs?

It took a bit to get the plug out of the tank, and even more time to reshape the area around where the once 1 inch hole resided (which now contained about a 2 inch hole centered within a 5 inch depression of blackened reservoir tank). But I overcame the hurdles and conquered.

This was going to require more planning than I thought. Looking around the garage I saw lots and lots of plastic things that might melt in order to fill in the hole I had enlarged.

Another Authors Note: Never give a grown man with an inner child that will never rest a blow-torch and “lots and lots of plastic things”.

I think the final solution really only took 2 minutes to complete, however getting to that solution in 20 minutes was a ton of fun!

Later I’ll post pictures up of what the following things look like:
- melted plastic milk carton
- burned floor mat
- really cool scorch designs on a ball
- “Brian Kicks Ass” burned into a piece of wood
- A garden hose after being twisted and melted together.
- Brian’s shoes after melting above mentioned garden hose

Tomorrow I will drive my car to work… there will be no low washer fluid indicator in sight.

Why Parents Drink

The boss of a big company needs to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked

"Yes" whispered the small voice

"May I talk with him?"

the child whispered "NO"

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes"

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered "No"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked " Is anybody else there?"

"Yes" whispered the child "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home the boss asked, " May I speak with the policeman?"

"No he's busy" whispered the child

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the fireman" came the whispered answer

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, Concerned, and even more than just a little frustrated the boss asked "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"Me"

Good Quote

"Boy, I feel safer now that Martha Stewart is behind bars. O.J. & Kobe
are walking around; Osama Bin Laden is still out there, and they take
the one woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard and
haul her off to jail."

Tim Allen

Holiday Update (with Pictures)

Ahhh Thanksgiving.... I ate too much as usual. There were actually 4 days to my Turkey Eating frenzy, what with work having a dinner, then leftovers, then the farm, then leftovers again. It once again illustrates why people don't eat a good deal of turkey during the rest of the year.

We had a great and relaxing time up at the farm. Wendy took some great pictures, which you can find here: ASHTON PICTURES ----- GRANT PICTURES

We came home on Friday and had a great weekend at the club working and relaxing. The past two weeks have been filled with busy work at the house. Getting ready for Christmas, Ready to Move, Helping others Move... you all know the Holiday Routine.

My car broke just prior to Thanksgiving, so it went in the shop last week. I can never get away from the dealership without spending an arm and a leg, but they do a great job and usually do a bunch more (without charging) then what I needed. In the end, I ended up getting about twice as much work done then what I paid for, so the value is just fine.

Work is going well, I'm starting to get into the routine of it all I suppose. I'm not all that great with schedules and having to be at a certain place for no reason other than that is what is expected of you, but it's starting to come in line. I still have a great deal of projects ongoing outside of work and they keep me super busy.

This weekend will be a blast. A friend of Nick and I is coming in from NY tomorrow evening and will be staying over the weekend. That will be a blast to see him again. Corri has her birthday on Friday which is always fun.... and no, I have not decided what to do/get yet. Finally, I'm DJ'ing a Saturday night at the club, which should be a blast. I DJ each Wednesday night, but the crowd is MUCH smaller than a Sat so it's not near as much fun. Looking forward to this one.

Last Sunday I watched "Dawn of the Dead" with Nick. I was not really all that interested in seeing it, but enough people suggested it to me that I had to check it out. It ended up being a great movie that was filmed in a smart way. They let the viewers become a part of the story and use our imagination instead of dumbing it down like many of the big budget flicks do these days. All in all, if you are even somewhat interested in scary movies I would suggest it.

We will be spending Christmas in Houston this year, at our own house, without a full load of family in from out of town. I have almost gotten used to Corri's family all coming in at once and making the Holidays a really busy time. It will be strange having it quiet this year. New Years will be awesome as we have a huge deal planned at the club. Please don't call for several days after the first... I wont answer due to recovery needs I'm sure.

And now a nice little bit of Christmas Trivia to finish off your day...

Subject: Christmas Stress

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Scary World

Always liked this quote and Wendy sending it to me reminded me that some others might like it....

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, and the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese. The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?"

- Chris Rock

Who Is It?

John Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question. "John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one."

John Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

John Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Ya Think?

Read this quote in the paper today in talking about a guy who is on the run...

"Until we find him, we don't know where he's at,"
-Mesquite police Sgt. Shannon Greenhaw

Texan Surgeons

Three Texas surgeons were having lunch together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in a terrible accident, I reattached them and 2 years later he won 2 gold medals in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and the guy's mouth. Now he's running as the Democrat candidate for President of the United States."

Death of a Senator

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"

VOTE WISELY THIS COMING ELECTION!!

Post Turtle

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Massachusetts business Tycoon (whose hand had been caught in a fence while working at his country home), a doctor and the old man were talking about Senator John Kerry possibly being in the White House one day. The old Tycoon said, "Well, ya know, Kerry is a 'post turtle'."

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he is not getting anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor stupid thing get down."

Funny

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man
realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for
an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be
the first to break the silence (AND LOSE),he wrote on a piece
of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00
AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to
go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a
piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Truth be told...

I knew John Kerry looked familiar for some reason.....

War Heroes

Thanks to Hector Diaz for the picture

In honor of Tax Time

The Internal Revenue sent their auditor to a synagogue: The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to The Internal Revenue."

"Internal Revenue?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you"

Honk if you can...

Nick sent THIS LINK over of a Frenchman playing the "horns"

That would be very hard to do!

Finally, one that works!

It's rare that you run across a good online "gimmick".

Try This One

This guy really is looking ahead....

Talk about a far-thinking entrepanuer... READ THIS

Things You Can Get Away with Saying At Thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip Time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Twenty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX----

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Chuckle

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a Miller, the head of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn. He orders a soda.

"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.

Guinness replies, "if you guys aren't having beer, then neither will I."

Current Music: Gas - Oxygen (Groove Salad: a nicely chilled plate of ambient beats and grooves. [SomaFM])